Now that may seem dramatic and drastic but it wasn’t until recently that I realised just how much emphasis there is on women relative to our beauty regimes, work outs, ‘goals’, the list is endless really. After speaking with my dad about my usual Thursday night tanning ritual it was brought to my attention just how much men don’t give a crap about that sort of thing. Although Beyoncé was right about how different things would be if she were a boy; her priorities were definitely out of-wack. Below is a list of carefully crafted things that would be much easier if we were born with male appendages.
- Fake tanning. We wouldn’t have to succumb to the usual Wednesday night full body/soul scrub down. Yes, Bondi Sands have made this a lot easier to undertake but it is still a tedious job which hurts my heart. If we were boys, we wouldn’t have to worry about fake tanning. If a dude is not tanned, he has a cute Edward Cullen-esque vampire vibe. If a girl isn’t fake tanned, we get asked if we are sick.
- Teeth whitening. I know that a lot of men also like to whiten their teeth but I feel like they aren’t defined by their pearly whites. Yeah, it’s a plus for them to have nice white teeth but have you seen how much red wine us females drink just on a week night?
- Shaving. Anything. Or laser. Or waxing. Or sugaring. If men have a hairy chest or armpit hair, it’s cute. If I have chest hair or armpit hair, it’s $39 per laser session. Pronto. I have actually had an ex-boyfriend pay for a laser hair removal package. He was completely un-prompted to buy that, so naturally not too sure why I was so ungrateful for his ‘thoughtful’ gesture. I have friends who have had men tell them that they need to sort out their hair, wherever on their body it may be. Um, men should just be grateful that they get to be close enough to a woman to see her body, let alone critique their hair. Also apparently now hair is back in? So FFS we cannot win.
- Going out. Anywhere. Anybody knows that you need to tell a woman to be somewhere AT LEAST 30 minutes prior to an actual kick-off time. A lot goes into our outfit, our hair, our make-up. We need time. Men can roll out of bed, sniff a shirt, throw it on and then leave whilst doing their hair with a clenched fist resembling a noogy on the way out of the door. If a woman did that, we are somewhat likened to a crack fiend or is that just me?
- Eating. Men can eat anything with ease. A burger with grease spilling out the sides and onto their shirt? No problem, challenge accepted. If women were to do this, hell would freeze over and a sonar radar would go off. The looks, the aw, the gaff. Ugh I can see it now.
- Exercising. One (hyphenated) word – camel-toe. What the hell is with that?! No matter what brand, how high, how short, how loose, how tight; always! It is inevitable. Guys throw a baggy muscle tee and some pants on and they are off. Girls with big boobs? Two sports bras please. No boobs? $70 for a sports bra with extra padding to make you not look like a boy (ahem, me. PSA – Please anyone, make cheaper padded bras?!). Too tall? Well, all full-length tights are going to be 7/8’s or 3/4’s on you (also me). For me, my workout gear is always black. No exceptions except maybe a sports bra here or there. Women will need the following: gym tights, seamless knickers, bra, top, jacket, towel, water bottle, shoes, headphones, headband (not me, but it’s a thing I’m sure). Even thinking about what to wear when exercising can cause excessive sweating and you haven’t even started exercising yet. Now to actually get to exercising. Women can do 5’000+ classes a week, lift minimum to maximum weights and still only see staggered results. Men? Well, all men need is ANY ol’ t-shirt, ANY ol’ pair of pants, whatever shoes are in their car and can consume beer and eat donuts and still have a 6 pack. Like I’m obviously not mad or jealous but how does that even work?
- Swearing and laughing. I will be the first to admit that when I laugh too hard or something is really hilarious I will snort. Fact. But this is not to be confused with the like of a cute little Babe the pig snort. When I snort it is a loud and deep guttural snort that resembles something a truck driver would do. Speaking of truck drivers; if a woman swears it is unladylike. If a man swears it is more acceptable than that if a woman did – WTF? I have been known to drop a few expletives here and there and I will not apologise. Except for that one time I screamed “F*CK!” at age seven when I went to stand up whilst sitting directly under the table. Idiot.
- Farting. Burping. Any bodily function. WHICH EVERYONE ON THE PLANET DOES. I will admit it; I am an adult when it comes to most things except farts. I think they are hilarious. Just thinking about it makes me cackle like a witch. But girls are almost in denial about it. Um, I am pretty sure we’ve all done it. If you haven’t, please do yourself a favour and go to the doctors ASAP. If a dude farts and it is rancid, it’s almost celebrated and cheered for amongst the fellas. If a girl does, it is mortifying and you are shunned.
- Sex. ‘Nuff said. Obviously, I don’t even need to go there, do I?
Obviously, this isn’t the only things that are an issue and I’ve met a lot of men who do a lot of the above things and they do it all A LOT better than me. I also know a lot of women who don’t GAF about the above. Especially number 8, that’s a big one…. You know, for my friends…