“It’s not you. It’s me.”

Break ups suck. Period. No matter who’s in the wrong (IF anyone is). And there’s nothing, literally nothing, that anyone can say or do to change it. You go from sharing everything – no matter how disgusting, insignificant or hilarious, to nothing. Zilch. Zip. Na-da. You realise quickly how unpopular you are when the only person you text isn’t messaging you anymore and it also reiterates how boring your home life is without that person to lounge on or with. And theres no-one to binge watch the latest season of Game of Thrones with you. I haven’t finished it yet; don’t ruin it.

Stages of a break up:

  1. Numbness; irrespective of if you are dumpee or dumper it sucks. You can’t process it.  You block it. No sleep, food or Netflix can fix it because you are most definitely not hungry OR sleepy (stays for about a week give or take).
  2. Anger; again, even if you say Bye Felicia or if you were Bye Felicia’d you still are angry. You rethink every part of your relationship and stew on stupid insignificant sh*t. Sidenote: I just thought of when he didn’t tell me he liked my hair the 3cm shorter than I usually got it cut AND then proceeded to tell me he couldn’t notice – WTF?!
  3. Denial; you start questioning if it’s fixable. If it’s you. If you sought help on things if it’d work out. Could you talk more? Open lines of communication; surely that’d save everything?
  4. Sadnessdoesn’t need an explanation?
  5. Alcohol*, kidding, or am I. *no more than a bottle. Otherwise it’d be messy. Big n-o.
  6. More sadness; usually alcohol induced sadness. Cue crying into new bed sheets in fresh fake tan and ruining them. Cue further crying from said incident. Then lying on un-made bed which brings on more crying.
  7. Attention craving – Constantly. From friends, family, family pets or neighbours animals that you blatantly wish you could cuddle/steal 24/7 and lock them in your bedroom without access to sad songs or movies, cue The Notebook, Dirty Dancing etc or ANY 90’s love songs.

If you’re a lucky S.O.B, you’ve got the love and support (and sometimes anger) of your family and friends. These are the ones who you can type those ill-faired messages that you wish you could send to who they are really intended for. The ones who drag you out of your funk and make you go and have dinner with them and leave with a stitch from the laughter they provide. Or the friends who hug you so tight that you feel like your body is going to break under their weight of love. They are the ones who need to tolerate the sad spotify playlists you’ve collated and who have to listen to the CONSTANT “I just think it’s funny….” or the “looking back, you know what ….”. Your friends are honestly the greatest things you’ll ever find on this earth. Yeah your family is sick – don’t get me wrong. But your friends CHOOSE you. So you’re safe to act like yourself, be yourself. Be happy or sad or a crazy stage five clinger cryer (preferably not the latter). You are the real MVP/s.

Ofcourse, people will say ‘time heals all wounds’, ‘you’re a strong person. you’ll be fine’, please zip it. Your wisdom isn’t appreciated, needed and will not be acknowledged right now. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Yes I am aware that I am going to be okay at some stage. Yes I AM aware that there is plenty more fish in the sea (you are quite right about that one; all I have to do is google how many people there is the world). And I most certainly don’t want to know your opinion on it. UNLESS your opinion includes option five*, then I most definitely will take a bottle – or two – of sauv, house delivered to Brisbane’s Northside STAT.

There is no fool proof cheat sheet to make yourself feel better. You may drink, smoke (tsk tsk), dance, party, cry, party some more, cry some more and then come to the realisation it doesn’t fix it. The only way that you will move past it and to ‘move on with your life’ (so cliche and lame), is to take little steps everyday. You don’t wake up on a Monday after a heavy weekend of crying and eating and crying and eating (purely hypothetical) and be all “yeah woo let’s jump up on tinder. I don’t feel a thing.” Like the regretful tattoo on my sisters back says, ‘this too shall pass’. You will hurt and then one day the hurt stops. Then and only then, you can just think about them with a fond memory.

You do what you gotta do to feel better EXCEPT go through your camera roll. That’s not a good idea. Ever. Best to throw your phone in the river (possibly of your own tears) and then get a brand new one. Hell even treat yourself to an upgraded phone.

In the meantime I’m off to buy this pillow – http://www.martaussie.com/Boyfriend-Arm-Funny-Soft-Cushion-Bedroom-Washable-Huge-Body-Throw-Pillow-OK


Resolutions Schmezolutions

So we’ve passed that weird week of Decanuary – where we have no idea of how long it is acceptable to eat the leftover ham and also we are busy deliberating on how exactly we are going to ‘slay’ the next 365 days. Now that we’ve entered the New Year; cue the hangovers, the #newyear #newme hashtags and all the other carrying on that occurs at this time of the year – engagements, break ups (sometimes fueled by others engagements) and the hook ups (sometimes fueled by break ups). New Year shenanigans are a tiring time. Another vital part of ringing in the new year is the resolutions. Now this isn’t something that you can just ignore. You either actively construct a list of ‘to-dos’ or you don’t. There is no in-between. Now me being the anal retentive list keeper that I am, I have devised a list of things I wanted to do this year. Will they be achieved? Probably not. Do they differ much from last years’ list that I definitely didn’t achieve in entirety? Again, probably not. Will my life crumble around me if I don’t achieve them? Same answer as before, probably not.

My 2017 New Year Resolutions

  1. Stop snapping at people, things, inanimate objects (includes at family who sometimes get a mouthful just for looking at me wrong, same goes to Matt – soz bud, the dog who cops a spray when she is just trying to warn me that a gecko poses a serious threat to our home, people who can’t drive, people who think they can drive, slow walkers, fast walkers, birds – cannot explain this one, they just irk me).
  2. Be as debt-free as possible (without impacting on my social life or leisure times – this refers solely to cartons of ciders, Netflix subscriptions and the weekly fake tan cult-like rituals)
  3. Approach every opportunity with an open mind (don’t instantly think ‘fck dat’, do the no deal girl emoji or shake my head profusely)
  4. Stop over-using emojis even though IOS has just made it 500 x easier #firstworldproblems
  5. Get my manual licence – self-explanatory really
  6. Get my regrowth sorted out at a frequency that doesn’t allow for me to be confused for a human skunk
  7. Stop getting so bloody sunburnt. You’d think I would know by now?
  8. Learn a language. Not going to happen but pays to be optimistic?

Now let’s be realistic this isn’t all of my resolutions. And it sure as sh*t doesn’t include my first and apparently most important ‘goal’ of 2017. The first thing I wrote down without even thinking, without even hesitating? Lose weight.

Now I’m not saying I actively want to lose weight, need to lose weight or even could possibly lose weight if I tried – it is just something that has always and always is on my resolutions list. Now I know for a fact that sometimes I am going to fluctuate in weight and I make out like it’s a problem but it isn’t. It’s all G. For example, a couple of years ago I spent three months-ish abroad stuffing my face with food and beers until I practically had to roll myself back to ‘home’ every day. I finished 2015 almost ten kilograms heavier then what I started it with. Did that make me reflect poorly on the year? Hell to the n-o girlfriend.

Look at my little chipmunk face!!!!!!

But imagine if this was the only thing that my happiness or the only determining factor of whether or not my year was successful? No-one is going to say, “Geez 2015 sucked because I didn’t lose weight. All 365 days were wasted”. No one. Well not out aloud at least. So I’m culling it. Done. Gone. Na-da. The ‘W word’ is gone. Consider it as blasphemous as the ‘F word’ and I’m not talking fat.

Moving forward into next year this year, I am going to stop focusing on things that don’t matter. Will an extra cider hurt me when i’m two coats deep into my Thursday night basting of Bondi Sands? No! I will just have to boogy a little bit harder to Justin Bieber whilst doing so and that is more than okay with me. Don’t deny it, we all love the Biebs. Am I going to regret not getting the gluten free pasta option when I go out for dinner and drinks with the girls and look like a bloated baby humpback the next day? Probably. But IDGAF and neither should any of you.

Going to take a leaf out of my grandparents books for a little bit here, but stay with me Gen Y’s – it’s only brief! There is SO much more to life then to-do lists, to-complete lists or task lists. Sure it is fulfilling to be able to fist pump to yourself (quietly or loudly depending on what you are into); but it isn’t everything.

Rather than making it a NEW YEAR resolution why don’t we just make it a life resolution. Be happy. Do things in moderation and most importantly don’t let your happiness be determined by a tick or a cross on a to-do list. Get out there and get life done. To quote my boy Slim, ‘one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in life’.

As humans let us all make ONE  resolution together. It should be to help eradicate bullying, tormenting and all the other bulls*t that occurs both online and offline from trolls and in everyday life – schools, workplaces, etc. Bullying people is so last year. You are uncool.

Happy New Year x

Don’t Bullsh*t a Bullsh*tter

I’m fine.” The biggest two worded lie ever spoken. It is such an automatic, generic response when queried about how you are feeling or why you are acting, speaking, talking or behaving in such a way. I will be honest – I am one of the biggest users of this lie. It is easier to dismiss your true and unfiltered thoughts and feelings then admit to others – and ourselves – that something is wrong. Why though? Why do people, myself included find that instead of saying what is wrong, we simply lie. With everything that is going on around us on a daily basis it is easy to get so caught up in the intricacies of life that your focus shifts, your thought patterns are obscured, you don’t feel the usual connection to people or things that you may usually have. Your sh*t is well and truly not together. Without wanting to swear too much (Sorry Mum!) – it is when sh*t well and truly hits the fan or you stub your toe, or you can’t do something that usually comes so easily, or you fight with your partner, your friend, your dog; this is when you need to be able to say I am not okay. It is okay to not be okay. Jessie J even says so in her hit ‘Who You Are’. If Jessie J says it’s okay, then you better god damn believe it.

Why is it so hard to admit when we are not okay? Why is it so hard to admit that we need help? In my life, much like everyone else (not claiming I know your life FYI – just a generalisation), I have seen too many people suffer in silence. It is this suffering that unfortunately ends lives and not only destroys their own but many around them. Mental illness is something that can start off as something almost dismissed by the individual and then festers into something bigger than that. Even just a quick chat to someone could be lifesaving.

Through campaigns run by organisations such as LIVIN’ and Beyond Blue, society as a whole is becoming more aware of mental illness, the different types, possible causes, the (maybe?) signs. If you or someone you know is suffering there are bountiful organisations and individuals who want to help you. You may be surprised to know that a loved one, a best friend or your ‘bro’ can provide the most honest and refreshing insight of all.

Everyone (staring down at my reflection in the mirror as I write this almost chanting “Listen Erin. This is directed at you.”) needs to realise how important we are, how appreciated and needed we are and how we can help other people. Whether it be a stranger who looks like they are having a rough day, a friend who posts a questionable quote on social media (we all know someone who springs to mind) or a loved one whom we know is not being themselves; just ask them if they’re okay. Really and sincerely ask them. And then on the other side of the spectrum, if we ourselves are having a rough day, week, month or even what feels like a year – be honest. Talk. Cry. Scream (preferably last resort). Don’t suffer in silence. Most importantly, don’t try and bullsh*t your way through it. Speak out. Don’t do this alone, because you my dear beautiful friends, are not alone. You have all of us.


Seek assistance: Lifeline (13 11 14) or Beyond Blue (1300 224 636) or at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/about-us/contact-us